Why Fighting Anxiety Can Make It Worse — and What to Do Instead

Most people do the exact opposite of what helps when anxiety appears.

They try to analyse it, control it, push it away or find the perfect technique to make it stop. I know because I did the same thing—and I see it regularly with my clients.

But the harder you fight anxiety, the more tension and pressure you may create in your body. Instead of helping your nervous system feel safe, the struggle can signal that something is still wrong.

If you feel as though you’re constantly trying to overcome anxiety but nothing is working, here are five common mistakes that may be keeping you stuck—and what you can do instead.

1. Treating Anxiety Like a Problem You Must Solve

As women, we’re often used to solving problems for everyone around us—our children, partners, parents and colleagues.

But treating anxiety like a problem that needs to be solved can backfire.

When it doesn’t disappear, you may start wondering:

• Am I doing the technique incorrectly?
• Am I breathing properly?
• Why isn’t this working?
• What’s wrong with me?

This creates frustration and adds more pressure to an already overwhelmed nervous system.

One of my clients would shake her hands and shout, “Go away! I don’t want you here!”

The shaking helped release some of the tension in her body. However, the words sent a different message: this feeling is dangerous and must leave.

What to do instead

Rather than trying to force anxiety away, focus on bringing more safety and support into your body.

One way to do this is through a practice called resourcing.

A resource can be a person, animal, place, memory or spiritual being that helps you feel loved, safe or supported. For me, it’s my dog or my horse. When I think about them, I naturally notice warmth around my chest and stomach.

Think of something that helps you feel supported and notice:

• What sensations appear in your body?
• Where do you feel them?
• Do you notice warmth, softness or a sense of settling?

Allow yourself to spend some time with those sensations.

You’re not trying to use the resource to suppress your anxiety. You’re allowing feelings of safety and support to exist alongside it.

2. Giving Anxiety All Your Attention

Imagine I placed a red button in front of you and said, “Whatever you do, don’t press it.”

What would you immediately want to do?

You would probably focus on the button.

Anxiety can work in a similar way. The more you monitor your symptoms, the more attention they receive.

You may repeatedly ask yourself:

• Do I still feel anxious?
• Is it getting worse?
• Why hasn’t it stopped?
• What if it comes back?

Constantly checking your anxiety can keep your nervous system on alert. Your body doesn’t get a clear opportunity to recognise that you’re safe enough to relax.

What to do instead

Gently bring your attention to what is happening around you right now.

You might:

• Feel your toes inside your socks or shoes.
• Wiggle your toes and notice the ground beneath your feet.
• Look around and notice a tree, flower, picture or pet.
• Listen for the softer sounds around you.
• Touch a blanket, cushion or your pet’s fur.

Anxiety often pulls your attention into the future and everything that might go wrong. Noticing your immediate surroundings can help you become more present and interrupt the anxiety cycle.

3. Constantly Looking for What’s Wrong

The human brain naturally looks for problems and potential danger. This is part of the survival system designed to protect us.

However, when you’re anxious, you may become so focused on what feels wrong that you overlook the moments when you felt okay.

Perhaps you:

• Enjoyed your morning coffee.
• Laughed with a friend.
• Felt comfortable while sitting outside.
• Went ten minutes without thinking about your anxiety.
• Felt supported during a conversation.

These moments matter.

What to do instead

At the end of the day, notice one thing that went well—even if it seems small.

You can write it in a journal and include how the experience felt in your body. On more difficult days, return to these entries and remind yourself of the moments when you felt safe, loved, supported or simply okay.

This isn’t about forced positivity or pretending everything is fine. It’s about helping your nervous system notice that anxiety isn’t the only experience you’re having.

4. Trying Too Hard to Recover From Anxiety

When I experienced anxiety, I tried to understand my symptoms day and night. I read books, watched videos and constantly searched for answers about why I felt this way and how to feel better.

But consuming more information created additional mental noise and pressure.

You may be doing something similar—moving from one anxiety relief technique to another, hoping the next strategy will finally fix you.

The problem is that there isn’t one anxiety technique that works for everyone.

For example, deep breathing helps some of my clients feel calmer. For others, paying close attention to their breathing makes them more anxious.

What to do instead

Choose one or two practices that feel supportive and notice how your body responds.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel more tense or pressured?
• Do I feel slightly calmer or more settled?
• Does this feel manageable?
• Do I want to continue?

If a technique increases tension, it may not be right for you at that moment. If you notice even a small sense of relief, it may be worth practising regularly.

Your body’s response is more important than whether a technique is supposed to work.

5. Expecting Old Coping Strategies to Keep Working

If you’re a woman over 40, you may have noticed that strategies you used to manage stress in your twenties or thirties don’t work as well now.

That doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards, failed or need to fix yourself.

Your body, circumstances and needs may simply be different now. You may need another approach—or less pressure to recover quickly.

What to do instead

Consider what helps your body feel supported in this stage of your life.

That might include:

• Walking along the beach.
• Spending time in a park or garden.
• Being with an animal.
• Resting without feeling guilty.
• Spending time in nature.
• Practising a gentle grounding exercise.
• Talking with someone who helps you feel understood.

You don’t need to find the perfect anxiety relief technique. Pay attention to what helps your nervous system feel a little calmer, safer and less overwhelmed.

You Don’t Have to Fight Anxiety to Feel Better

Anxiety isn’t your enemy. It’s often your body’s attempt to protect you—even when there isn’t an immediate danger.

Fighting it can create more fear, tension and frustration. Instead, begin by listening to your body, reducing the pressure to fix yourself and bringing in experiences of safety and support.

The less you struggle against anxiety, the more opportunity your body has to soften.

If anxiety and overthinking are affecting your daily life, I offer gentle, body-based anxiety therapy for women over 40. You can book a free 30-minute consultation online to talk about what you’re experiencing and explore how I may be able to support you.

💕 Looking for more ways to relief your anxiety? Check out 30+ practical anxiety relief tips to help calm your mind and feel more settled in your body.